Why I Keep Ending Up with Emotionally Unavailable Partners
(and How Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents Shaped Me)
The Familiar Can Feel Like Love — Even When It Hurts
You swear it’ll be different this time. You meet someone new, and at first, it feels exciting. But slowly, the signs start to show up: they pull away when you get close, avoid emotional conversations, or seem more interested in their own world than in truly knowing you.
It’s not the first time. You’ve been here before. And while part of you knows you deserve more, another part keeps getting drawn back into the same dynamic: the possibility for things to change, the hope that things can still be different this time.
Why We Repeat the Patterns We Grew Up With
If you were raised by emotionally immature parents, you may have learned that love was unpredictable, inconsistent, or conditional. Emotional availability wasn’t modeled — so as an adult, your nervous system gravitates toward what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy.
You might:
Feel intense chemistry with people who are hard to reach emotionally
Take on the role of caretaker or fixer in relationships
Feel anxious when things are stable, leading to self-sabotage
Struggle with anxious attachment style or alternate between anxious and secure tendencies (sometimes you feel safe with them, and sometimes you need to stalk all of their social media interactions)
The Hidden Link Between Childhood and Adult Relationships
In households with emotional immaturity, children often:
Learn to read subtle shifts in mood and adjust their behavior to keep the peace (this is where “empath” magic is learned)
Accept limited affection as “normal”
Avoid expressing needs for fear of conflict or rejection
Internalize beliefs like “I’m not good enough”(no one else will love me) or “I have to earn love” (I’m only worthy of conditional love, so I will stay to prove that I’m worthy)
As an adult, these beliefs can lead to repeatedly choosing emotionally unavailable partners — not because you want pain, but because your body recognizes the pattern as “home.”
Healing on the Mind, Body, and Spirit Level
This isn’t just about avoiding certain types of people. It’s about becoming the version of you who no longer finds inconsistency or emotional distance appealing.
In the holistic, shamanic lens I bring to therapy, healing your relational patterns can also be about connecting with your ancestors, releasing inherited wounds, and realigning with your deeper self.
Breaking the Cycle with a Personalized Approach
In my Westchester-based practice, I combine modalities to help you shift from familiar-but-unfulfilling to safe-and-nourishing relationships:
Psychodynamic Therapy: We trace your current relationship patterns back to their roots so you can see them clearly.
Somatic Therapy: Helps your body learn to feel safe with stability, warmth, and consistency.
Hypnotherapy: Loosens old subconscious beliefs about love and worthiness.
Ecotherapy: Uses nature as a grounding partner in your healing, especially for releasing relationship-related anxiety.
Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP): Creates openings for deep emotional insight and self-compassion, which can transform how you choose partners.
If Over-Responsibility Is Also Part of Your Story…
Many women who choose unavailable partners also grew up feeling responsible for everyone’s needs. If this resonates, you may want to read my related article: Why I feel Responsible For Everyone: Healing After Growing Up With Emotionally Immature Parents
You Can Choose a Different Kind of Love
You deserve relationships where you feel chosen every day — not ones where you’re left guessing. If you’re ready to break the cycle, reach out to schedule your free intro call. Together, we can help you learn what it feels like to be loved in a way that feels safe, steady, and real.
