how do I make my relationships feel more equal?

Aug 28

You have to start making more room for yourself in them. That means expressing what you actually think and feel, setting boundaries around what you can give, and treating your own needs as equally important as the other person's. If you're used to overgiving, this can feel uncomfortable at first—but equality requires both people to take up space.

How do I stop putting the other person's needs before mine?

Start checking in with yourself before automatically accommodating the other person. Ask yourself: What do I want? What do I need? What actually works for me? Then let that information influence what you do.

Prioritizing your needs doesn't mean their needs stop mattering. It means yours stop automatically coming second.

How can I express myself more in my relationships?

Practice saying what you actually think, want, and feel—even when it might disappoint someone. This could look as simple as choosing the restaurant you prefer, saying when something hurt your feelings, asking for more support, or disagreeing instead of automatically going along with something.

The goal isn't to make sure the other person likes what you say. It's to give them the opportunity to actually know you.

How do I set firmer boundaries without feeling guilty

Set the boundary even when guilt comes with it. If you've spent years believing that being loving means being accommodating, guilt may show up whenever you start doing something differently. Feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong.

You can say no, change your mind, ask for space, or decide what you're willing to give without needing the other person to agree with your boundary.

What if the relationship changes when I stop overgiving?

It might—and that can tell you important information about the relationship, and when it might be ready to be let go. When you stop doing most of the emotional work, you create space to see what the other person is actually willing to contribute.

Some relationships will adjust and become more balanced. Others may reveal that the relationship depended on you consistently giving more than you received.

What does an equal relationship actually look like?

An equal relationship is more about what it FEELS like that what is tangible; it doesn't mean everything is split 50/50 at all times. It means both people get to have needs, boundaries, preferences, feelings, and a voice. Sometimes one person will need more support, but over time, care and effort move in both directions.

You shouldn't have to disappear in order to stay connected to someone.

You don't have to become less caring

Creating more equal relationships isn't about giving less love. It's about making sure loving someone else doesn't continually require sacrificing yourself.

You can be generous and supportive while still having boundaries, asking for what you need, and taking up just as much space in the relationship.

If you're ready to stop losing yourself in relationships, I offer virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, and Virginia.

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Citlali "Lali" Herrera, LCSW

Lali Herrera, LCSW, is a licensed therapist and the founder of Inner Worlds Psychotherapy, serving clients throughout New York and New Jersey. She specializes in helping millennials heal from the lasting effects of emotionally immature parenting, anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and complex trauma. Drawing from psychodynamic therapy, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, and mind-body approaches, Lali writes about the subconscious patterns that shape relationships, self-trust, and emotional well-being. Her goal is to make complex psychological concepts approachable while offering practical insights that support lasting change.