why do i keep waking up at 4am?
Waking up at 4 AM can have several causes, including stress, sleep disruptions, and unresolved emotions. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), the hours between 3 AM and 5 AM are associated with the lungs and the emotion of grief.
It offers an interesting way to explore grief that you may not even realize you're carrying.
Can grief cause me to wake up in the middle of the night?
Yes. Grief and emotional distress can interfere with sleep, even when you aren't consciously thinking about a loss.
And grief isn't always about someone dying. Sometimes, you're grieving a relationship, an experience you never had, or a version of someone you desperately wished existed.
This is sometimes called ambiguous loss.
Can you grieve a parent who is still alive?
Absolutely. Adult children of emotionally immature parents often grieve the emotional connection, protection, or understanding they needed but never consistently received.
You may have a parent who's physically present but emotionally unavailable. You can love them, have a relationship with them, and still grieve the parent you needed them to be.
Why do arguments with my parents bring up so many emotions?
Arguments with emotionally immature parents can reopen the hope that this time they'll finally understand you, validate your feelings, or take responsibility for hurting you.
Psychologist Lindsay Gibson describes this as a healing fantasy—the hope that a parent will eventually become the person you've always needed.
When that hope is disappointed again, you're not necessarily just reacting to the current argument. You may also be feeling the grief of years of unmet emotional needs.
What can I do when this grief comes up?
Start by acknowledging what you're actually grieving. Is it the argument itself, or the realization that your parent still can't offer the emotional connection you've been hoping for?
You don't have to force yourself to stop wanting that connection. But recognizing what your parent can and cannot offer can help you stop repeatedly looking to them for something they may not be capable of giving.
And if you're regularly waking up at 4 AM, consider exploring sleep-related or medical causes too. The timing alone doesn't tell you whether grief is responsible.
If you're working through grief, childhood emotional neglect, or the effects of emotionally immature parenting, I offer virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, and Virginia.
